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Frequently Asked Questions

Disagreements over styles of discipline are fairly common for one simple reason: we each grew up in different families. We tend to discipline like our parents did, or if we believe that they treated us unfairly, we tend to do the opposite of what our parents did.

How do we resolve these differences? It is not likely that you will ever totally agree on this matter, but you can find a workable solution. It begins by each of you making a list of the basic rules you think you should have for the child and what the consequences should be if these rules are broken. With these lists in hand, you have a parental conference in which the two of you work through your lists. Check off the ones on which you agree and negotiate agreement on the others. Both must be willing to find common ground. Don’t insist that your way is the only way. With these in place, it is then a matter of making sure the child understands the rules and the consequences, and consistently applying the discipline when rules are broken. Kindness, but firmness, is the key in applying discipline.

Because we grew up in different homes, we often come to parenting with different perspectives. Nowhere is this demonstrated more than in patterns of discipline. Most parents will have conflicts over the discipline of children. The answer lies in recognizing this reality and finding a plan to deal with the conflict.

One place to begin would be to share a book on discipline. Both of you would read the book, a chapter per week, and discuss the content. This will expose you to sound principles of discipline. You might try, Making Your Children Mind Without Losing Yours, by Kevin Leman, published by Fleming H. Revell Co.

A second step is to call a family conference and focus on your present struggles with discipline. Such a conference might involve listing the rules you feel are appropriate for the children and discussing what each of you feel are appropriate consequences for breaking the rules. If you don’t agree on consequences, then negotiate. Be willing to meet each other in the middle. Once the rules and consequences are in place, these should be shared with the child. Then each of you knows what will happen if the rule is broken. This keeps either of you from overreacting in the heat of anger. Kindness, firmness, and consistency are three keywords in administering discipline.

For further help, see my book The Family You’ve Always Wanted.

All of us are different. If we don’t enter into each other’s world of interests we will never develop a close relationship. In the early stages of life, you must go to the child’s interests. When they are in the sandbox, then you enter into the world of sandcastles. Later on, we can bring them into our world, but the process must always be a two-way street.

The beauty of all of this is that your own world is enlarged. If your child is interested in sports and you have never been a sports enthusiast, you will discover a whole new world as you explore the world of sports. The goal is to foster the innate interests and gifts of the child while exposing them to areas of life in which they may have little interest. This is the way all of us grow into well-rounded individuals.